Horrible Things I've Received in the Mail Part 1: Vidocq DVD

Welcome to the first installment of Horrible Things I've Received in the Mail. Tonight's sampling is something that I actually invited into my home by purchasing it on eBay. Vidocq, for those of you not-in-the-know, is the directorial premiere of Pitof, who previously directed the visual effects for The City of Lost Children, Jean Reno's Joan of Arc movie, Alien 4, and a bunch of other stuff. The movie was released a long time ago in France, but of course there are no plans to release it (in theaters or on DVD) here in America-land. My only option, therefore, was to trust in the strange seedy underbelly of "region-free DVDs" available through eBay. I'd had fairly good luck before getting things there that I couldn't find otherwise (like Lars Von Trier's The Kingdom, which is not and never will be available in the US), so I was hoping for the best; probably some severely mangled subtitles, but my French is OK anyway. I was in store for something far, far worse.

(Click them images for super-giganto images)

My first tip-off that something was amiss was the cover, which touted Vidocq as "...A TIMELESS COMEDY THAT REALLY TELLS IT LIKE IT IS..." I know very little about Vidocq, but I'm pretty damn sure it's not a comedy, since it's about a Jack The Ripper-style figure in 19th century France. The part that really got me worried, however, is the fact that where someone's name would normally go under this quote, there is instead the mysterious phrase: AND TRIBULATIONS WITH RELATIONSHIPS. Yeah. That cover just screams "romantic comedy" to you, doesn't it? My confidence was, however, bolstered by the fact that they at least got the lead actors' names right. Then I made the mistake of turning the cover over...

OK, we've already reacted to the "...A TIMELESS COMEDY..." blurb, so the fact that it's at the top doesn't put us off too much, and the three pictures from Vidocq are very encouraging. Now read the movie synopsis. It's the movie synopsis for Broken Hearts Club. Now we know where that tagline comes from. While you're reeling from that, read the credits. Awwww yeah. Disney's "The Kid". Now take a closer look at those credits. I don't know who Gloria Gresham is, but boy can she desoome! The cover inside the dust sleeve is exactly the same as the sleeve, front and back, and folds open into three sections. Steeling myself against further trauma, I opened the cover. It was all in vain.

First and foremost, the clear plastic thingy that holds the DVD in the case immediately flew out and attacked me. Well, actually it fell in my lap, but it had a sinister mirrored face on it, so the effect was pretty much the same. Our first stop inside this gallery of terror is the left panel. There's a picture of the mirror-face guy, that's a good sign, and some tiny words in French and English, that's also good... except for the fact that this is the special features list for K-PAX. Wiping the tears from our eyes we move on to the right panel, The Main Cast of Voices which is, oh yes, the cast of Hart's War. That's followed by BEYOND COURAGE, BEYOND HONOR. "suspense and surprise!", and Gene Shalit, "The Today Show". That one looks a little more like a real review snippet, although I'm inclined to think it's a real review snippet for Hart's War. Crestfallen, and expecting the worst, we are greeted by a middle panel that simply states that Vidocq is The most popular Spectacular movie serials in the world, despite the fact that there are no sequels to it, and it only came out last year.

The punchline to end all punchlines is, of course, that the movie is still in SECAM (the bizzarre French TV format that's compatible with absolutely nothing else), so it wouldn't play on my DVD player. I can only assume that in whatever dank, third-world sweatshop this DVD originated from, the blind, flea-bitten rat-people in charge of copying the original onto bootleg DVDs pressed from their crushed hopes and dreams never bothered to see if it would actually play on anything but a French DVD player, since they long-since lost their thumbs for non-payment to JoJo the goat-pimp. If anyone HAS a region 0 or 1 NTSC DVD of Vidocq, I'd love to get ahold of one, or even just a VHS copy at this point.

Thank you, and goodnight. Join us next week when I share a laminated obituary for someone I've never heard of.

Update: Amazon.ca has a region 1 Vidocq DVD here. I got one, and it's an awesome movie. Meanwhile, the "region-free DVD" holds a place of horrible honor on my mantle.

Update 2: My house was burglarized, and this DVD was among the things stolen. I hopes it makes the thieves blind. Suckers.